Date: 11/23/2008

Question: Pastor Chad, Every time I read the bible, and come across Mark 10:11 where it says that anyone who divorces his wife makes her an adulteress, I get chills down my spine. My husband divorced me and now he's marrying the person he left me for. I never cheated on him and he swears he never cheated on me and that he met her right after he left me. Regardless, he was still married to me when he got involved with her. I know there is an exception to what he says in Mark 10:11 and that is: except for marital unfaithfulness. So my questions are: If he was still married to me when he got involved with her (according to him he got involved with her 2 months after he left me) is that still considered being unfaithful? Can I ever marry again? Would I be considered and adulteress if I marry again? Would my new husban be commiting a sin if he marries me? I know there has to be a flip side to this. I would like for you to clarify this for me. Thank you!

Answer: Even though your husband divorced you legally, in God's eyes he is your husband until he is physically unfaithful to you. Once he engaged in a sexual relationship with another woman, you were freed from the marriage. Since he was not faithful to you, you are now free to marry again.
 

Date: 11/5/2008

Question: So, is the satisfaction and pleasure of sexual activity decreased because of the sexual activity before marriage even though I have only been with that person?

Answer: Any time we disobey God, we miss out on a blessing He desires us to have. Often the greater our disobedience, the greater the loss of blessing. Gal 6:7-8 says "A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction." That doesn't mean God can't and won't ever bless us again. It simply means that obedience to God always reaps the greatest blessing. Your past disobedience does not mean you will never experience satisfaction and pleasure. If you seek forgiveness for it and pursue obedience from this point on, God will bless you in this area. However, to believe we will experience no consequences for our disobedience is to believe contrary to Scripture. The point is not to focus on what happened in the past that cannot be changed. The point is to press on forward in obedience in order to receive all that God has for you in this area.
 

Date: 11/5/2008

Question: My ex-husband whom I was married to for eight years left me when I was 2 months pregnant with our third child and my other two children were 4 months old and four years old. He left us for another woman. After being alone with my three children for almost four years, GOD sent me a wonderful man who loves me and my children and I re-married. Eventhough we are very happy with my new husband I feel that deep down I still hold some type of resentment towards my ex since he never comes around to look for the children. I ask for your advice as to what I need to do to forgive him.

Answer: I can only imagine the hurt you feel personally and for your children due to the absence of their father. Let me share a couple biblical truths that will help your perspective on forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 talk about some of the symptoms of unforgiveness that we are commanded to "get rid of." Then this passage talks about how we are to forgive others. . . "just as Christ forgave you." Just as we were undeserving of God's forgiveness, so your ex-husband may be undeserving of yours. Forgive him anyway. To not do so is to give him emotional control in your life through bitterness, anger, slander, etc. You are the one hurting yourself by not forgiving. That doesn't mean you must trust him. Trust must be earned. However, forgiveness is freely given just as Christ freely forgave us. Another passage is in Matthew 18:21-35. This passage compares God's forgiveness of us to our forgiveness of others. It uses a story of a servant who is forgiven an enormous debt by his master, but then goes out and will not forgive a small debt another owed him. I would encourage you to consider the huge debt of sin God has forgiven for you (and me) and ponder why you are unwilling to forgive your ex-husband. This will help you see the depth of God's love and forgiveness toward you, allowing you to let His love and forgiveness flow through you to your ex-husband.
 

Date: 11/4/2008

Question: When you say that sexual activity before marriage will lessen the pleasure and satisfaction of sexual activity during marriage, does that include couples who stay with each other? I have had sexual relations with my partner before marriage, but I have only been with that person. I know that it is wrong to have done that, but is it somehow better that we stayed together in marriage? And, is a couple considered one under God's eyes, once they have sex?

Answer: You have asked a great question that I believe many people wonder about. For the most part, you have answered your own questions and done so quite well. Yes, it is still wrong in God's eyes to have sex before you have made the commitment of marriage, however, it is "better" that you stayed together and made that commitment. It is correct in once sense to say that a couple is considered one once they have sex. In fact, in the Old Testament Law if a man had sex with an unmarried women, he was required to marry her for this reason (Exodus 22:16). Paul also addresses this idea in 1 Corinthians 6:16 when he speaks of sexual immorality. It was often assumed that the marriage wasn't actually comsumated (i.e. made official) until the couple had sexual relations. That said, it has never been the biblical practice to first have sex and then have the marital ceremony. The sexual relationship was always to follow the public, marital commitment.
 

Date: 10/29/2008

Question: In light of your response to the previous question, are you saying that the only grounds for divorce are adultery and abandonment? My marriage lasted 3.5 yrs and the majority of that time was a living hell due to domestic violence and emotional abuse. I left because it was kill or be killed. I would never nor will I ever advocate for a woman (or in the rare instance, a man) to stay in a domestic violence marriage. Once a person has hit the other, there is no stopping them. Are you saying that God would not condone my divorce?

Answer: Let me begin by saying that I am not simply sharing my opinion about what are grounds for divorce. I am simply sharing what the Bible states. In the New Testament, God says that adultery and abandonment are the only grounds for divorce. That said, I believe the Bible does share clear principles to address a situation of domestic violence. Matthew 18:15-17 discusses how to address situations of ongoing, rebellious sin within a church community. The final outcome is to remove the person from fellowship in the community. This principle could apply to a marriage as well. I would certainly advocate and encourage any spouse experiencing physical abuse to remove themselves from that environment through seperation. However, one can do so without necessarily pursuing a divorce. Should one pursue a divorce, then the principle God shares in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 would apply. A person who leaves a marriage for reasons other than adultery or abandonment must remain unmarried or reconcile with their previous spouse. Again, these are not my words or opinions, but God's. These truths concerning marriage should cause us all to give careful thought to whom we marry. I don't know the details of your situation. However, I have dealt with several similar situations and what I've found is that in most cases the abusive tendencies did not just show up after the marriage, they existed beforehand. When a person binds themselves into a covenant like marriage with someone who is not ready, they make themselves very vulnerable. Considering the conditions God has for marriage before marrying is very critical, as God desires we only take one shot at it. To take the risk of marrying someone who isn't healthy enough to sustain that commitment, is to jeopardize our own future within the marriage. More could and should be discussed on this issue, but unless I know specific details, it is too time consuming to hypothetically address all possible situations. I would be happy to sit down personally and discuss this very important and relevant issue.
 

Date: 10/28/2008

Question: My boyfriend and I have been doing things we're not supposed to be doing. It's kind of complicated because I don't feel bad for doing those things, but I feel bad for not feeling bad about them. I hope I made sense. I guess I don't feel bad because we've discussed marriage and hope to get married in the future. I know that doesn't justify our actions, but I don't know what to do. I pray to God that he help me keep myself away from the traps I constantly put myself in, but I can't resist. I want to stop, but it's hard. Who do I confess this to? Can God forgive me and restore me? How can I steer clear of these temptations?

Answer: First, let me commend you for your willingness to seek truth on an issue that many people would simply ignore or avoid. The fact that you're wrestling with this does show that you are concerned, even if you aren't feeling bad about your behavior. Not feeling bad about our sin is often due to one of two reasons. First, we honestly may not realize it is wrong, therefore we don't feel guilty. Or, secondly, we have practiced this behavior so much that our conscience and sensitivity is damaged, or "seared" as the Bible puts it, toward this sin. Here's how I suggest you procede. First, acknowledge that what you are doing is sinful in God's sight. God has spoken clearly on this subject and acknowledging that He is right is the first step back toward forgiveness and restoration. The Bible says that if you confess your sins that God will forgive you and purify you (1 John 1:9). Second, you need to consider what healthy boundaries are for your relationship and then discuss them with your boyfriend. If he is unwilling to commit to a God honoring relationship now, why would he commit to one once you are married? Marriage doesn't make us obey God. Obedience comes from our heart. You are only setting yourself up for greater pain in the future should you not address it now. Finally, as you commit to a godly relationship and protect yourself from situations of great temptation, you will watch God restore you personally and in your relationship. God's forgiveness is immediate upon confession. His restoration happens over time as we grow in obedience to Him. Again, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of seeking a husband who is obedient to God. If he is unwilling to humbly obey God now and you continue to pursue marriage, you are making yourself very vulnerable to someone who is not ready to be a godly, loving husband.
 

Date: 10/27/2008

Question: It's been a while since I found out that my husband had been keeping pornographic pictures and videos hidden in his computer. He would also go online and chat with some women he knew before we got married. I confronted him on this and he said he would stop. months later I find out that he was still hiding some stuff me. I don't trust him and I don't know if I ever will. This has been very painful for me. I love him very much, but sometimes I feel that if I leave him I won't have to be hurting anymore. What should I do?

Answer: Your hurt is very understandable. A great desire in marriage is to both trust and be trusted by your mate. Your question seems to raise two issues. The first issue is one of communication. You and your husband need to be communicating about his actions and your concerns. When couple's are not communicating, it is difficult to build trust because you don't know what the other person is feeling, thinking, or doing. If the two of you are unable to communicate in a healthy way as a couple, you may consider seeking help from another couple or a professional counselor. The second question seems to be related to dissolving your marriage because you have been hurt and do not trust him. The idea that emotional pain will be relieved through divorce is a myth. Divorce creates an entirely new set of emotions that result in pain for a lifetime. That is why God, in His love for us, limited divorce to sexual unfaithfulness or abandonment so we would not dissolve marriages because of emotional hurts that can be healed. God has the ability to heal both the hurts and mistrust as we submit to Him and each other in truthful communication.
 

Date: 10/27/2008

Question: Can a homosexual be saved?

Answer: Yes. Homosexuality is no greater sin than that of heterosexual immoral sexual activity. A person could be a Christian and still struggle with homosexual tendencies. However, God clearly disapproves of homosexual activity just as He does immoral heterosexual activity. A healthy, maturing Christian who struggles with homosexuality should be willing to refrain from wrongful sexual practice in this area and seek healing and restoration toward God's original plan in creation.
 

Date: 10/23/2008

Question: What does the Bible say about public nudity. Not public acts of sex, but just being naked in a place set aside for nude activities. Specifically, nude sun bathing, swimming or walking on the beach. I know that some of the apostles were fishermen and that they worked nude. Some of the profits stayed nude for years. I suspect that public baptism in Biblical times may not have involved clothes. Especially if you only had one set of clothes and did not want them to get wet. How does this information apply to places like clothing optional resorts or nude beaches today? I would never want to go to a place like Hedonism, but I might want to take my spouse for a walk or swim at a beach were nudity is allowed.

Answer: No where in the Bible is nudity encouraged in a positive manner in public settings. I have never heard that the apostles (or any fishermen) worked nude and I have read quite a bit on historical backgrounds. It could be a misunderstanding of the term by realizing that they often had an undergarment (loin cloth) as well as a larger covering. To be unclothed would have referred to the larger, outer garment being removed, but not being completely naked. This would address the baptism issue also, which I have never heard characterizing this event. As far as Isaiah the prophets "nudity" . . . this was not a situation in which God was asking him to live this way because it was an ideal for the people to follow. God simply told Isaiah to remove his outer sackcloth (not leaving him completely naked, but simply in his undergarment) as a charged symbol of the judgment that was to come upon Egypt & Cush, the nations Israel had trusted for protection against Assyria rather than trusting God. (See Isaiah 20) Certainly not a trait to model or aspire to. That said, if God considered it appropriate to cover Adam & Eve's nakedness after the Fall, then I believe He had good reason. Also, given the nature of men (& even women) to be so visually stimulated, putting oneself in an environment with other naked people is not a healthy one. To believe one is above the temptation of lust when surrounded by naked women or men is to deny the reality of our sinful nature (1 John 1:8). All this to say, I don't believe the public practice of nudity is a behavior supported or commended in Scripture. Nor can I see any possible benefits that outweigh its possible and actual negatives. Personally, I know the congregation is thankful I'm not called - like Isaiah - to "nudity" in my service of God! <grin>
 

Date: 10/23/2008

Question: I had an affair with a coworker some years back. I wanted to come clean, but they did not. How can I handle this situation?

Answer: First of all, the fact that you are asking about this shows God's work in your heart and your willingness to obey Him. Don't ever forget that obedience to God ALWAYS assures His greatest blessing inspite of initial pain that may result. The second thing you should understand is that you are not responsible for how your coworker responds. However, you are responsible for your response. Don't use your coworkers desire to hide it as an excuse for not obeying what you know to be true. God won't accept that as an excuse, so you shouldn't either. So, here's my answer. Proverbs 28:13 says that the one who conceals his sin will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. If you truly want to heal and move on from this event, you must confess it to your spouse and trust God with the results. To continue concealing this sin is to assure your failure to prosper. To confess it is to accept and welcome God's compassion. It may be painful to begin, but the final result will exceed the result of concealing it. I trust God will walk with you through this and pray that you will trust and obey Him.
 

Date: 10/22/2008

Question: Will your last sermon in series cover masturbation?

Answer: I am debating whether I will touch on this subject or not. Not because it isn't necessary, but because of the general audience on Sunday. I will address it briefly here: Again, this is a topic not specifically addressed in the Bible. There are no commands against masturbation. The historical arguements presented against it have been based on a passage improperly used to apply to this situation. The key issue may involve the mind and intentions of the individual rather than simply the practice. If one is engaging in this behavior while having lustful thoughts or using pornographic material, then this is certainly wrong. That may be the major aspect of this practice in considering it sin. Is it possible for a person to engage in this activity without their thoughts violating the standard of purity God wants us to have? Only the individual and God know. However, if no other biblical truths are violated in practice or in thought, then this may be another example of a practice that falls under the guidelines of Romans 14. It is a matter of personal conscience and conviction. This is a brief answer to a challenging question. In no way is this answer comprehensive, but I hope it helps you think well about the topic.
 

Date: 10/22/2008

Question: I read the question and following answer which dealt with anal sex and agree with the bibical answer. My question deals with oral sex in the confines of marriage which is enjoyed by both parties. If we took the position of what our different body parts where created for there could be some who might construe this to mean oral sex as well. Again I agree with the statement if one party is not in agreement than it shouldn't be done.

Answer: This is a great questions. While I used the idea of "normal" function as part of my discussion, it is in no means a formal prohibition for engaging in an activity. It is simply a wise consideration to keep in mind as we engage in any activity. Common sense tells us when we use our body parts outside their original design or limitations, it often results in injury. Nothing in the Bible commands us to not walk on our hands. However, if one did so as frequently as they normally would on their legs, they would experience wrist and shoulder problems. This is not necessarily unbiblical, it is simply unwise. One should understand the health concerns that are associated with any activity before engaging in it. The greater principle to apply to situations not specifically addressed in Scripture is that of Romans 14. The principle of personal conscience or conviction as well as the impact our practice may have on another. Therefore, if both spouses are in agreement over a non-moral (i.e. one not specifically prohibited in Scripture) sexual practice, then it may be okay for them. However, if one is upset or not comfortable with it, it would be wrong for them to engage. Wisdom would guide us to make sure there are not health concerns related to the sexual practice also. If there are, then wisdom would dictate that it is not best to engage in this activity. Thanks for your insightful question.
 

Date: 10/15/2008

Question: My husband and I have had anal sex before because he wanted to and out of satisfying his sexual desires I complied. I have done some research and have not found one Christian website that condones this sexual behavior. Where does God stand on this issue in your opinion? And how do I address the issue with my husband and remain submissive to him?

Answer: The Bible does not specifically address this issue, so we must appeal to general truths as well as wisdom. Wisdom would inform us that the anus was not created for the purpose of sexual relations. God has provided specific body parts to fulfill the desire and blessing of sexual intercourse. We are good stewards of this gift when we choose to operate within the natural guidelines. Often, the need for deviation from what is normal and proper is related to underlying issues that prevent us from finding satisfaction in what is proper. One of the primary purposes of sex is intimacy between the married couple. If the behavior engaged in does not promote intimacy for both people, then the purpose is not being accomplished. This is not pleasing to God, nor to the couple together. That said, there are many ways to include creativity and pleasure that are certainly within the normal act of sex. Many good books are written on this topic from a Christian perspective. I would suggest you check out the website: www.christianbook.com and do a search on "Sexual Intimacy." You'll find a host of good books addressing this issue from a Christian perspective. These will give you lots of creative ideas to add spice to your sexual intimacy while at the same time keeping it within proper guidelines. I appreciate your desire to address this with your husband while respecting your call to be submissive. Keep in mind that we are never called to submit to ungodly activity. I would suggest you find a good time to discuss this with your husband when you won't be distracted by the kids and you aren't in the heat of conflict. Begin by expressing your desire to meet his needs in a godly manner. Share that you are willing to learn and pursue new ways to keep your sexual intimacy exciting and would love to do this together with him. This will affirm your love and commitment to him. Then, share how the specific act of anal sex is uncomfortable for you and does not allow you to enjoy the experience together. It is also an unnatural function for your body and doesn't promote a godly stewardship of this gift. At this point, you could suggest some of the resources you found on the internet as a possible pursuit together to strengthen your sexual intimacy. I don't know of too many husbands that wouldn't jump at the chance to read together how they could enhance their sexual intimacy. This is a brief answer to a very good and necessary question. I hope it gives some direction for you to begin a journey toward greater intimacy and enjoyment according to God's plan.
 

Date: 10/15/2008

Question: Will you ever do series on sex and singles?

Answer: My final message in this series will address this topic.